When I was in my early twenties I used to bust out song lyrics on demand. I could transform into Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez before you could rattle out a request for TLC. Embarrassing I know. I was usually tipsy or worse. But I had the confidence to do it, warranted or not. I was young and I could act immature and all my friends (probably out of obligation) would laugh.
I paid attention to trendy clothes and I watched the Fashion Police without fail. Florals in, peplum out. I rented the runway and rocked oxfords for the two weeks they were in style. Makeup trends? Gotcha. Pinky rings? Got those too.
I was my own carefree version of cool, and comfy in my skin.
My (now) husband and I used to joke, “At what point do people start getting old and stop being cool?” We always agreed on the same answer: when kids come along. Was it true? I didn't know for sure, but I put the theory to the test.
It was wedding season and I was very pregnant when the DJ turned on Uptown Funk. I screeched "I LOVE THISSSS SONG!!!!!. I wanted to dance so badly but my 7 month-old fetus bounced every time I jumped. I didn't need help feeling awkward on the dance floor- I could do that all by myself. But now I felt like a whale, and probably looked worse.
It was then that I realized: it's happening. I'm transitioning -- from cool to lame. How long would it be before I chopped off my hair to look like Kate Plus 8 and started wearing bermuda shorts? Or worse, when would I start chatting with fellow moms about our babies' bowel movements and the best brands of almond milk?
I’m so not ready for this, I thought.
But it didn’t happen that way. Thank God. Our precious baby girl was born and I surprisingly didn’t morph into Claire Dunphy over night. However, there were some subtle changes I couldn’t help but notice.
It took a while for me to feel worthy of listening to good music after I had the baby. I don’t know why. I just felt stupid, like I wasn't cool enough. I didn’t feel like perusing Pinterest for clothing ideas anymore because I was too busy googling sleep training methods online. Plus, I knew what I looked like in clothes- just put me in a mumu and call it a day.
When I met up with my childless friends I struggled to find anything to talk about. What is wrong with me? I felt like a stranger in my own skin.
I realized my preoccupation with getting old had infiltrated my life. I was playing into the story I thought would happen when people have children. Maybe it was American society or just my perception, but somewhere down the line I was taught that when a woman has a child, she is forever locked into a lame life.
I decided that wasn’t going to be my life.
Yes so much has changed for me over the last several months, but... I’m still me. And now more than ever, I realize it is important to straighten my hair - every other Friday - and download the new Lumineers album just because. I may have to work harder to find the time and motivation, but I must self-preserve. I must self-preserve. I have to do the things that make me feel like myself again even if it means getting up a little earlier in the morning or asking my husband to take over bath time.
So much of my identity is wrapped up in being a mother. But there’s more good stuff here than just being mom. And if I don’t hold on to the things that comprise who I am, then what will I turn into? And more than that, if I’m unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin, what will my children turn into?
Is 'cool' even a cool word anymore? Probably not. But the other night I danced while singing Uptown Funk (just call me a one woman show), and let me modestly say I slayed it. My toddler in her bunny-toed pajamas clapped her hands and giggled with approval. I felt cool.
