If you have been following the blog over the last little bit, you've noticed the sudden hiatus I've taken from posting on social media and the blog itself. And for a good reason- I'm expecting another baby girl in October. With that being said, I've made the conscious decision to tend to my own needs this summer (let's just say the first trimester was NOT a walk in the park), and spend quality time with my toddler before I'm back on newborn duty.
In recent weeks, I guess you could say my little family is just getting ready for all the changes that are about to happen. But as my third trimester nears, I'm finding myself fighting off emotions. Some to be expected (hello, I'm pregnant), and some that I didn't think I would feel so intensely being that this is my second ride on the pregnancy rollercoaster.
So here I am, doing what I know will help me self-calm, writing down my feelings about motherhood out of both nervousness and habit. And doing so with the hope that I will achieve some form of clarity after jotting down my thoughts, which at the moment are equal parts cotton candy and thunderstorms.
First, the cotton candy. My husband and I hoped and prayed for this baby, and to our total elation, she is on the way. I'm giddy, and anxious, and overjoyed, of course. I've spent entirely too much time perusing Pinterest, typing in way too specific ideas in my search engine like "print of gray elephant wearing flower crown" and "how to breastfeed an infant in wrap while cooking dinner for family."
It's ridiculous in the best sort of way. There's truly no excitement like the impending birth of a child, and we are so looking forward to all the memories to be made with her in this great big world. The privilege of bringing children into the world isn't lost on us.
But sometimes I get nervous.
I get nervous about dividing time between my newborn and my toddler, who has had me to herself for almost three entire years now. I'm nervous thinking about the division of my body parts that is destined to occur in one fashion or another as I bring this kiddo into the world. I feel a nagging anxiety that I won't be able to devote the time and attention to my marriage that I've been able to devote over the last several years, having only one child.
And I'm fearful of all the unknowns.
There are so many unknowns.
Some days I know we will be just fine. Other days I worry that bringing a new child into the world is going to tip the scales in favor of an unmanageable life for months to come. Yes, these thoughts are typical for any new mom, and moms welcoming more children into the world. However, knowing these feelings are typical doesn't make them go away.
But if there is one thing about motherhood I know for sure, it's that I will never be ready.
There's no way to prepare for the feeling of holding my new baby girl for the first time in my arms. There's no way I can anticipate what it will feel like to look my husband in the face after birthing a tiny little human we created- together. And there's definitely no way to prepare for the numbness that sets in after three straight weeks of living on no sleep.
And it doesn't stop when those unpredictable baby years are over. When it comes to bringing children into the world, and serving as their tour guides to the rugged terrain of life, we parents just have to do the best we can on the fly.
Failure is inevitable. Happy days are inevitable. And so is everything in between. But because so much of parenting requires rolling with the punches, I have to set my worries aside. I'm just gonna wing it. I'm going to do the best I can with what I can control, and the rest will happen as it happens.
As we approach the top of the rollercoaster, the cart will slow before we surge downhill. And in this brief period of calm, I'm prepared to be unprepared for what this new parenting adventure will bring. The intensity will take my breath away. The twists and turns will be more than I think I can handle at times. But enjoying this beautiful ride, hand in hand with my family, is the most important part- even if I can't see the bumps ahead of me, even if I can't wrap my mind around the thrills that are to come.